It’s another overcast day like it’s been for a week and I would blame feeling down on the weather if I had no other reason to be, people let you down when you least expect them to and hearts they move around so fast and love it somehow gets renewed.
In Perfect Time
I want to write some more about Jill Barber in a future blog, so hang around for that. Today I want to talk about feelings. Some blogs are all about the people who write them, while some deal mainly with topics outside the individual. Some link to other people’s stories, and some just give opinion after opinion. Some have pictures, some have video, some have music, and some have all of those. This blog falls in and out of all those categories. It operates a great deal like my brain wandering to and fro as the sun goes up and comes down. I thought I’d give you, the stranger, a glimpse into what I’m about inside. It’s a tour I rarely offer, so strap in.
Those who know me, may realize that I am a deeply emotional person. I once walked into an interview with 12 other people and when asked to pick one word to describe myself I picked “moody.” It was a perfectly accurate assessment, but likely prevented me from getting the job. I have always been careless with my future, just like that. Yet it was a rare moment that I let people who were mostly strangers know what I’m actually about. I guard my real feelings as much as possible, probably due to growing up as an only child. I don’t feel compelled to be around other people, or to soak in their company. I love my friends and do many things with them, but probably less than most people. The internet is ideal for me because I can compartmentalize my interactions with people in nice, clean packages. Does this make me socially deficient? Probably, but if you met me in the real world, you might not think that. Like most people I am different things at various times. There are those I have worked with who were surprised to see me operate so effectively in front of an audience, because I can generally seem a reserved and quiet person, especially with strangers. I change jobs frequently, and it’s almost like I don’t want to give people time to know me. Or perhaps I don’t want to take the time to know them, I never know which it is.
My family worries that I’m anti-social, that I don’t spend enough time around other people and that I live too much in the basement. I think I have found a fine balance in my life, between doing what I like and what I have to. I do worry sometimes that I will regret missing out on many adventures, but I believe the future is a giant mystery that I don’t want to worry about. I’ve always lived better in my head anyway. And that is the great big secret that I usually hide from the world. In my mind there is a vibrant life full of crazy thoughts, and endless conversations with people who don’t exist. Now I might sound crazy, and possibly I am, but bear with me. This blog and my associated podcast have become outlets for many of these ideas. I would say the number one reason anyone blogs is their inherent need to get ideas out of their head. I suppose some are out to make money, and others want their opinions known, but I do it first and foremost so I can occasionally say things that won’t come out of my mouth. Those pieces are interspersed throughout entries about bands, videos, mental illnesses and whatever other obscure or common posts I’ve made. I also hide them in songs. My lyrics generally chart elements of my life that are mine alone.
I said at the outset that I’m a deeply emotional person. That is quite true. I mentioned a few days ago that there was a song that made me cry. This wasn’t just a run of the mill cry. This was an instance where I had to pull my car over for 10 minutes until I could calm down enough to continue. It was the single most intense moment of my life, and I somehow feared for my life. I simply couldn’t go on. That may sound over-dramatic, but it is the truth. There is, perhaps, a deeper story hiding behind that story and any of the other emotional episodes of my life. It will stay behind the words of The Alder Fork.